Anorexia nervosa and boulimia
a different approach

When , usually women, get anorectic, their average age is 13 to 14 years old, so
they are children, not adults.
The general consensus however credits these girls with a lot more than they actually are capable of and accuses them often of manipulation and craving for attention.
Allthough of course children can manipulate at some level even when they are 2 years old, the way this is meant, gives these girls too much credit.
I do not believe that is why they starve themselves.
Allthough I can understand the starving can be very frustrating to well meaning others, that does not necessarily mean the starvers are to blame.

At that age a person sets out to being his or her own person.
Children that age start really interacting with others and the outside world.

Usually what you will perceive is an adult or person in the close circle of the anorectic person, that is really loved by the anorectic person, but does not really love her back. or does not love her back the same way.
Often that significant other ,  usually  the mother, will bully or put down the anorectic In some cases it can be the father, a spouse, a friend.
Allthough the mother will pledge her love all the time, that love will not really show in things she does or says .
You will hear that yes, she will get out of bed in the middle of the night, and feel a martyr for doing so, but only to bully the one looting the fridge.
Such a mother will always be  accusing or  belittling the sensitive child in many subtle ways, because she cannot handle and therefor often not stand  that child
There will be a cold and harsh trait in that mother.

And even though the anorectic will not be aware of that for a long time and really will love that other person, the harsheness is perceived on an unconsciouss level and responed to on a similar level.
It is like the anorectic feels there is something wrong, something missing, but cannot at that age draw the conclusion she  has a bad mother.
That usually in the same subtle passive aggressive ways will get the rest of the family, like siblings and the father on her side by acting like she is the victim, thus   deviding the family in 2 camps where it is the mother and everyone else in a passive aggressive way against the lonely sensitive child.

Now some people will talk if something bothers them, others will be aggressive,or leave, or run away maybe, others may revert to drugs,  but there are also those who believe sacrifice and being nice is the way to handle things.
Tons of scientific tests have revealed that humans and animals alike are born to handle things in a certain way,  Some are leaders others are followers, some run some fight.
Now if these traits come together, a selfish mother and a  child with an inclination to sacrife and be nice,  there is a good chance anorexia will develop in obedience to the undertone in the things the mother says and does.

Once a person is anorectic he or she  will get stuck on the goal of loosing weight, and a bit more to make sure if something goes wrong she will still be thin and while concentrating on those problems, she will be in another world, though not a better one, that she cannot get out of.
She will get stuck in hoping to become so thin and attractive that she will be loved by everyone. 
Also the feeling of dominance over oneself, may help build the selfesteem every chld needs  esp at this age, while she can hardly build it the normal way, since  the significant other will do quite the opposite.

They are still too young to understand what damage they really do to themselves and the emotion behind their behaviour is so strong they hardly do care about the hardships involved

As a cure these sort of patients usually are fed against their will eventually, but my solution would be to fully remove the culprit from the circle of the anorectic or vise versa., depending on circumstance.
And then not put the anorectic in a home to get bored and  do nothing  but concentrate on a bad habit, but in a challenging environment with other people , with peer pressure and social demands,where she can experience  comeradery and eventually maybe love as well.
.
That will prove to be the best cure.

Obviously whenever there will be contact with the significant other , there will be relapses, but they will be easy to overcome if the natural environment of that patient changes and the significant other no longer exercises full power.

I do not believe in counseling because you cannot force someone to love or be loved, but in some cases this can  be useful ,  if the mother is willing to change things and learn, but selfish people usually are not, they keep blaming others, they want to be the center of attention at any cost.

Of course this vieuw is somewhat controversial because a whole industry is based on extensive therapy of these patients, not often unsuccessful, and beacuse mothers are considered to be holy, as in fact, most are.
But unfortunately not all of them are fit for motherhood or able to parent just any child.
As a rule selfish mothers can only parent those children  who by nature take after themselves, strange though that may seem.
But the more sensitive and soft of their children will feel hurt and wither and perish, like plants that are not watered.

copyright jan 2013
by donna q